They had been sitting quietly for at least an hour by that point, both writing away but neither truly working, or so Hisagi saw it. He, himself, was too focused on trying to think of a way to word his questions as to not upset her and Hiai’s eyes seemed distant, concentrated on something other than the present.‘Just say something already!’
“Hia—” He began her name but was too late, she was already speaking through labored breaths and he wasn’t sure how he’d missed the sound in the quiet between them.
Stormy grey eyes searched for blue but she wouldn’t meet his gaze. Why? Was it because she was embarrassed? Because she only spoke to him not out of desire but hopelessness? Whatever it was would probably only serve to make him feel more awkward about the situation.
It wasn’t until she spoke his name that he forced himself to focus on only her and not his own racing thoughts.
“H-Hiai-san…” The Fukutaichou trailed off lightly as he listened to the confession, lips pulled down as tears spilled from her eyes.
He’d never been a fan of women crying. Uncomfortable due to his own hidden sensitivity, all Shūhei wanted to do was make them stop. To get them to smile— Something positive.
“I don’t know what to do.”
Hisagi didn’t either. There were so many things her words could have meant but for the moment he’d force himself to believe it was simply her missing Taichou. He, himself, could admit that he wanted Muguruma around again. Just how long had he been gone anyway?
Regardless he needed to buy himself some time to think of a proper response, a proper way to comfort her.
“… Would… Would you like something to drink? … Just to calm your nerves? … Tea? Water?”
Why him. It wasn’t as though she believed Hisagi would ever betray her by telling Kensei, but why did it have to be him that this happened with. Wouldn’t it have been better if it were an acquaintance or a stranger, someone who would just give her an awkward pat on the back and leave her to deal with it alone and never mention it again. That wasn’t him, he wasn’t like that. He’d make the face he was making now, one that made it seem like her heartbreak was so tangible he could feel it himself. He made it even more impossible to quickly shove back what emotions had already spilled over.
She felt stuck. How would he possible know how to help. And there wasn’t anything he could have done to ease this. She’d never cried a day in her life in front of another shinigami. The Gotei was no place for something like that. No place for the emotions that felt like they were drowning her. They swelled and slammed against her chest in desperation to be let out. She’d held it in for so long. Ignored it and swept it beneath a rug so she could maintain a sense of normality. So nothing would ever have to change. She hated herself for being unable to continue doing that.
Her arms had lowered and her head lifted at the sound of his voice though his offer never truly registered. She wasn’t even sure she’d properly heard them over the sound of her heart pounding in anxiety ridden fear. These words, this confession… she didn’t know what consequences they would have, or any at all when she wasn’t even speaking to the man they were for. But if she didn’t say it, this would just keep happening, these emotions would just keep surfacing in an obnoxious demand to be recognized. But her voice sounded as heavy as her heart, soft and broken but clear as day through the silence between them.
“…I love him. …And I can never tell him.”
“Sulking doesn’t suit you.”
“…Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize. Just feel better.”
